Ask Rachel: My husband says he doesn’t satisfy me in bed. How do I reassure him?

This week, Rachel advises the wife of a man who is concerned about size, and a young man worried about his performance

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My husband seems convinced that he is under-endowed and cannot satisfy me sexually. I have done everything I can to reassure him that size isn’t important to me. 
Recently, my husband has asked me to ridicule his penis and tell him that he is worthless to me or any other woman. I love him and value him. It upsets me to say such things. We talk a lot about this problem (he knows I am writing to you) but wejust go around in circles and he seems to gain some kind of perverse pleasure in constantly referring to himself as “inadequate” and “pathetic”. I’m seriously worried.
– T
I was wondering when this was going to come up. If you ask a woman at gunpoint – one ungenerous word about a chap’s manhood can shatter the fragile male ego – about size, most will answer it only matters if a man is too big or too small. I’vealways thought that there should be some internationally recognised advance warning signal of either state, but it is one of the many caprices of Cupid that you only discover after it’s too late to adjust your actions or expectations. You have to work, as the saying goes, with what he’s got. 
When I once wrote a column on this subject for a women’s magazine (Easy Living, RIP) I conducted a poll that included Piers Morgan in the control group. One person remarked that “it is the width rather than the length – nothing worse than a skinny piece of spaghetti rattling around in there!” 
Another was a fount of warm wisdom. “I think penism is a lamentable trend, and it is really an own goal for any girl or woman to ever even refer to the fact that size might matter as there is a whole generation of young men who are now afraid to do it at all because they are worried about sizing,” they said. “What about love? There’s more to life than being reduced to a farmyard animal. Who wants to have an impersonal orgasm because of a penis rather than a man?” Quite. 
Per a medical chart I’ve seen, by the way, “normal” encompasses everything from micro-penises to donkey dongs. In my – ah – limited experience, anything in between is generally serviceable, if a man bears the lyrics of that Bananarama song, that “it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, that’s what gets results”, in mind. To your chap, though. It sounds as if he falls within the normal range but is more of a grower rather than a shower, to use the vernacular, and has compared himself to pornstars and has decided – for whatever reason – he is wanting. In my view, this attitude is far more of a big deal than the length or girth of his membrum virile. 
He has rejected your reassurance for your derision, which is a form of negative attention. My crack (no pun intended) therapist Sophie Haggard says this is not an uncommon dynamic, but what is unusual is that he has fetishised his “small” penis and wants to be punished for it. She would remind him that “all the relevant nerve endings are in the clitoris”, which despite being apparently impossible to locate for some men, is also “a vast structure with weird ‘arms’”. 
I don’t often do this, but in your case I’d recommend you both see a psychosexual therapist to get past this. Oh, and of course you want to know what Piers Morgan said, too? I can’t think he will object to me disinterring his opinion, as it was one that I tend to agree with. “Slightly above average and a skilled and energetic technique will keep any woman happy. Small dicks and huge dicks bring frustration and surgery.” Without defining with a slide rule what “average” is, I think we can leave this hardy perennial there.
At the start of our six-year relationship we had sex sometimes twice daily. We are now married and expecting. Imogen is my world – a strong and beautiful young lady who truly loves me for who I am, a wee lassie with a golden red mane and an hour-glass figure to die for and the most amazing rack. 
I, on the other hand, see myself as average. I am 6ft 4in and slim and that’s about it. My concern is the bedroom. I only last literally not even a minute when penetrating. My fear is that Imogen sees me as weak and seeks satisfaction elsewhere. Her (not so) guilty pleasure is books that are of an erotic nature. I’ve never felt like I’ve satisfied my wife. We certainly get into heavily lustful spells and I make sure I finish Imogen by hand. Should I be making every effort to improve my skills? She tells me she gets great satisfaction from me, and I certainly do from her. But I can’t help the thoughts suggesting she might be yearning for more.
– B
I deliberately chose your letter as a companion piece to the first one – one young man is concerned about size, another is concerned about performance – in order to prove how universal these anxieties are. “How was that for you?” is one of those questions that cannot always be answered honestly, but in the case of your wife, I sense that your reverential joy in her, combined with her settled state with a man who plainly worships her, causes her deep satisfaction. Why would she lie? She is married and pregnant and she is happy. For now, at any rate. Don’t jinx it! 
Your letter expresses a huge amount of self-doubt and low self-esteem, and that is far more unsexy than a quickie that is too quick for both of you. The therapist Sally O’Sullivan agrees that you have to try to relax about your PE (premature ejaculation) and you should rejoice as – unlike the Middle East – yours is not a problem without a solution. Now I am going to print some of the techniques she has suggested you might practice as a mitigation, so those of tender or squeamish dispositions might want to stop reading now. 
“Try to masturbate an hour or two before having sex, or use a thick condom to help decrease your sensation – however, that rather defeats the purpose. You could also have sex with your partner on top and encourage them to pull away when you are close to ejaculating,” she says. She also recommends some counselling for you and your wife, if she would like to participate. 
“During these sessions, the therapist will show you techniques that can help you ‘unlearn’ the habit of premature ejaculation (these include the ‘squeeze’ and ‘stop-go’ techniques).” O’Sullivan also points out that PE can have its roots in a repressed childhood or teenage years. “It is possible that a strict upbringing and beliefs about sex or early conditioning can influence future sexual behaviour. For example, if a teenager conditions himself to ejaculate quickly to avoid being caught masturbating, it may later be difficult to break the habit,” she says. Good luck. This is fixable!
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